I’m officially in the hospital for the long haul… and let’s pray it’s a LONG LONG LONG haul. Somehow my head/heart isn’t capable in any way to go beyond today and I think that’s self preservation at this point. I let myself feel some emotion yesterday with my mom, husband, and a close friend, and that’s all I can tolerate at the moment. For the babies’ health and safety I can’t let myself get upset even though my heart is breaking. So today – I’m back to that numb place. A smile on my face. Able to interact with nurses in a stable way. I must keep calm in the storm and I pray to God for that strength constantly. Will I be ok if the worst happens? After stuffing all of this quite intentionally to avoid contractions – probably not. Who would be? Will I eventually be ok? Yes. Not on my own strength. With His. Because He’s going to have to carry me for a long while to survive those thoughts.
So for the moment. I live in hope and cling to some very very small odds that things could still be ok. That even if we lost baby A due to membrane rupture, that there is a slim medical option of somehow maintaining the other two for longer. I have no choice but for vaginal delivery prior to 24 weeks (viability) and the thought of that makes me literally sick as it not only means such a physical burden (and having had an UNsuccessful delivery of my daughter literally ties to my post traumatic stress) but the emotional burden of knowing they wouldn’t survive. So – I push it to the depths of the ocean and don’t allow myself to consider that. In my head/heart we MUST get past this point. So why burden my heart with it if I’m able to avoid that.
I talked to my OB this morning and although she was very honest she just has a way of presenting information in a compassionate way. I don’t often feel that way about the perinatologist although I know she’s top notch in facts and figures and info. We just don’t have the same point of view on life in general. So I’ve avoided her for the time. I’m sure I will see her this week at some point and hopefully be better prepared to hear what she has to say.
This is probably more emotion than I’ve ever dared write here but to some point I feel I’m starting to let myself share that in small ways. You can’t imagine the true emotion I’ve felt deep in my heart through ANY part of this journey. So yes – I feel I am surviving well and hanging in here strong in faith – but there are aspects of my head/heart that nobody should have to hear b/c it’s just too much to bear. So I give those things to God.
Last night I had trouble sleeping. There are very few scripture verses that I memorized as a kid but there is one that I remember fairly well. Last night He gave me that verse over and over and over again.
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Yesterday my daughter was looking out my hospital room window at the Duluth hillside and said in a voice of amazement, “ohhh mommy! A big, tall mountain!”. Yes my love… I might be in the valley at the moment but that mountain is just outside my window and I have to trust the Lord to walk with me to the other side again.