Prayers

I’m using this platform to openly ask for prayers.

We’re facing the choices of burial in the coming days. Where, when, how. I’m struggling. Please pray for peace during this time and for my husband and I to find an answer directed by Him through prayer – as He provided for so many of those answers for the funeral without question.

I’m also struggling off and on with panic attacks in the evening. I fear PTSD returning as it did after my daughter’s birth. I’m working through things with hopes of avoiding the intense therapy I needed in the past. Please pray for God to continue to provide healing and ways for me to process all of this.

I’ve been continually blessed with people popping up from all over the world who relate to this journey and have lived this loss in their own way – very much due to the blog. I’ve struggled with knowing if I should continue to share here or not so I take it one moment at a time I suppose.

Thank you for your prayers and continued support/understanding. Please know that every gesture, no matter how small, is a huge deal to us even if we don’t have the strength to personally acknowledge it.

Soon

Mother’s Day – 2012

Found myself sobbing through this song at church this morning. This song first made me cry several years ago when my cousin’s wife was nearing the end of her fight with cancer. I knew it would be “soon” for her and since that time it’s been a hard song for me to listen to. The thought of her being separated from her husband and children was unbearable for me. The question “why?” constantly in my head.

Today I found myself thinking different thoughts rotating around the same “why?”… why can’t I go to them? Why were they taken? But more so – why can’t I go to them? Will it be soon? In the reality of eternity – my timeline, no matter how long, really should feel like “soon”. I wouldn’t wish away my time here with my amazing husband and the one child that God’s blessed me with here on earth. Never. I would never wish to leave them instead. But the yearning in my heart for Heaven isn’t changing. The lyrics of this song speak of seeing Jesus – and although my heart longs for that day – the lyrics also remind me of the moment that I will finally be able to see my children as well. “I will be with the One I love, With unveiled face I’ll see Him” … yes, Jesus, but also them. My “soul will be satisfied” instead of constantly looking to that day and hoping.

Never in my life have I looked at death as comfort until now.

So on mother’s day, a day I knew would be hard, I try to find thanks for the children He’s given even if He’s taken them back to His own arms too soon. I try to focus on the “soon” in my future no matter how long that may be. I try to be the best Mom I can be to the gift He’s given me to raise here and now.

Soon and very soon
My King is coming
Robed in righteousness
And crowned with love
When I see Him
I shall be made like Him
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
I’ll be going To the place
He has prepared for me
There my sin erased
My shame forgotten
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I’ll see Him
There my soul will be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
See the procession
The angels and the elders
‘Round the throne At His feet I
‘ll lay my crowns My worship
Soon and very soon

Though I have not seen Him
My heart knows Him well
Jesus Christ the Lamb
The Lord of heaven

Moments In Our Arms

We wanted to have a poem in the memorial card but nothing seemed right. Nothing expressed our feelings for an experience that so few related to. Several days before the service I wrote this and with a little editing help from my mom it seemed like the right words to share. Somehow God helped me put them together to help explain a few of our emotions during this heartbreaking time. Maybe it will help another in a time of pain.

For many years we prayed for you
hoped our dreams would come true
that God would bless my womb with life
fill our home with pink or blue

With shock and joy we saw your hearts
blinking 1, 2, 3
through impossible odds He placed you there
new life inside of me

We shared our news with family and friends
their love and prayers came fast
for health and strength for all of us
that this joy would always last

I loved to feel you wake and move
to tell me you were there
I did everything I could for you
to provide a mother’s care

The journey would not be easy though
there were trials beginning to end
walking each step with faith and hope
we couldn’t see ’round the bend

So many dreams spun through our heads
somehow they won’t come true
to kiss and hold you through the night
would your eyes be brown or blue?

God came for you late one night
away to Heaven you flew
we cherished each moment in our arms
even though they were too few

So we wipe our tears and dry our eyes
remember your faces small and sweet
longing for the day we see you again
in Heaven we’ll surely meet

With all my love
~ Mommy








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PUBLISHED:

http://returntozerothemovie.com/blog/?p=685

Memorial Service

It’s been exactly two months since our babies went from our arms into His (we’ve reached April – our “goal” month). I’ve struggled daily with what to write here. So to start I want to share moments from the memorial service to at least start the process of their story. I hope to share more about their life/death as I’m able but for the moment we’re not sure what we want to share and what we want to keep for ourselves. This is a start for those of you who were not able to be at the service – or for parents having to face the same painful choices of what to share at a memorial service for a life that was lost far too soon. I hope you find hope and comfort in this if that is you. For family and friends – I hope you find a little piece of understanding in who our children were, and continue to be, in our hearts. (The cover of the memorial card showed pictures of their feet which were true to life size)

In Loving Memory Of
Alice Mae Wourms
Elliot Nathan Wourms
Alexis Marie Wourms

Born to us – Received in Heaven
February 3rd, 2012

Memorial Service
Saturday, February 11th at 1:00 p.m.
Rock Hill Community Church

Alice Mae Wourms, Elliot Nathan Wourms and Alexis Marie Wourms were born on February 3rd to parents Nathan and Janelle Wourms of Duluth, Minn. All three spent their short time on earth in the arms of loved ones and left to be with Jesus hours after birth.

They are survived by one sibling, Nora Jane Wourms. Their grandparents are Joe and Kathy Wourms of Grand Rapids, Minn, and Duane and Jane Neveau of Grand Rapids, Minn. They touched the hearts of many in their time with us.

Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus) – Chris Rice

 

Psalm 23
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

 

Psalm 139: 1-18
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

 

Isaiah 40 : 1-11
1 Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.
2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD’s hand
double for all her sins.

3 A voice of one calling:
“In the wilderness prepare
the way for the LORD;
make straight in the desert
a highway for our God.
4 Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.
5 And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
and all people will see it together.
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”

6 A voice says, “Cry out.”
And I said, “What shall I cry?”

“All people are like grass,
and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.
7 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the LORD blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.
8 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God endures forever.”

9 You who bring good news to Zion,
go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good news to Jerusalem,
lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
say to the towns of Judah,
“Here is your God!”
10 See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power,
and he rules with a mighty arm.
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.
11 He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.

Jesus Loves Me

I Lift My Eyes Up

PRAYERS – Hospitalized – 21+ weeks

Well I haven’t been sure of sharing this info with the world but at this point I can’t find my big list of family emails and my energy is lost on keeping people who need to know aware of critical changes. I’m not even sure who should know this – but in my heart I know people are praying and this is the world’s biggest prayer chain – so I’m going to use it.

I was admitted to the hospital this afternoon after some fears in my heart that things had been changing over the past week. My heart was right.

Without knowing a lot more about it this is what we know. Dilated 2-3cm. Effaced 80%. Membranes of baby A are coming through the cervix.

They haven’t given much hope but a glimmer exists. I’ll talk more with my doctor tomorrow. Please respect our space as we chose to share or not share as this continues. This is all so scary and emotional for us. If it weren’t a critical change I’d likely not be sharing. Please pray for my body to somehow manage to stop these changes. For her membranes to somehow remain in tact. For B & C, if A is somehow in danger. For our hearts and minds in the midst of this insanity.

We feel your love and prayers and appreciate your constant support.

Janelle & Family

Prayers Please

We had our 20 week ultrasound with a fully anatomy scan for each baby exactly a week ago today. Since the results we’ve taken some time to gather our thoughts/emotions and try to get in touch with family in a more personal way so forgive me for the delay in posting to the rest of you here. Please read below for details regarding those results and please keep us in your prayers as we live each day of this journey. Also forgive me for the lack of emotion at this time as I’m not really able to speak my heart right now. Thank you

January 23, 2012
I have an update on the babies. I’m going to try to keep this as simple as possible as our heads are spinning a bit. I also want to keep it all as clear as possible (to our current knowledge) so everyone has the same information. I imagine some of this could change as the weeks continue

Let’s start with a celebration and praise that we’ve made it this far! The other good news is we officially have genders figured out and each baby has their official “letter” placement. Baby A is a girl. She’s closest to the cervix in a tight little space at the bottom of the pile. Baby B is a boy and is on my right side. Baby C is a girl and she is on my left side hogging all the room. Baby B and C are both looking fine. C is a bit bigger than the others.
Baby Girl A is our worry at the moment. On Monday we had our anatomy scan and they discovered several major problems with her. They had suspicion a few weeks ago that she might have club feet and that was confirmed. Both feet are severely deformed. One curves in at a 90 degree angle and the other is pushed down straight from what I could see on the scan. She also has Spina Bifida. It’s at L5-S1 and includes a cyst on the outside of her body (so the opening of the spine is covered) and the spinal cord is visible inside of the cyst (it comes outside of her back but is within the cyst area). She has Chiari Malformation (her brain is lower in her skull than normal and part of it is being pulled down into her spine) and as a result of that malformation she also has hydrocephalus (fluid built up in her brain). Every single one of these malformations is directly related o the Spina Bifida itself and not a unique finding. They can’t tell us what her abilities will be after birth as every case even at the same vertebra level is different. She might not survive, she might never walk, or she could walk with braces. Her cognitive abilities seem to be connected to the severity of the Chiari Malformation to some degree. To be honest – we don’t know much more than that as we’ve only briefly met with a perinatologist regarding the details and neither of us have the emotional ability to research more of it at the time. She also has a small chance of a chromosomal abnormality on top of this (2-15% although at the moment they believe it’s closer to 3% based on no other anatomical findings). If so it would be Trisomy 13, 18, or 21. 13 and 18 are fatal. 21 is Downs Syndrome and does not affect survivability.
In addition to this I continue to be dilated to 1 and have now shown some funneling (Baby A’s membranes are starting to move through my cervix). In the midst of the rest of the news it was something I didn’t get more details on so for now I continue on bed rest at home. There is nothing they can do to stop or prevent dilation or funneling in my understanding, other than relieving pressure from standing/sitting etc.
There are no medications that they can give me b/c of the multiples. There is too much risk with a cerclage to attempt it (that is via 3 doctors who have looked at my case).
The next big piece to this puzzle is the fact that Baby A will need a pediatric neurosurgeon immediately upon birth and there isn’t one in Duluth. This means that I must move to Rochester by week 24 (viability begins then). I will be staying with Dan and Amy on bed rest for as long as I’m able and then likely admitted to the hospital there for the remainder of the time.
Right now we are very much taking things one day at a time. My body has remained pretty stable in the last few weeks of bed rest and I take comfort in that but we’ve been made very aware that things can change very quickly with multiples and there is nothing they can do to stop that. So we rest in peace knowing that God is in control of every bit of this journey no matter how hard it may be. We are not thrilled at the idea of separating as a family but count it a blessing to have Dan and family in Rochester to help care for me and to help navigate the Mayo system for us which is priceless right now. Family is continually here to help with Nora as well and we are ever grateful for that. My mom has been beyond amazing as has Nate’s mom.
We very much appreciate your prayers and support as we hang onto this roller coaster. We’re a bit numb at the time and appreciate some time to let this all sink in. Every day seems to get easier emotionally in some ways as I realize more and more that I can only take it one day at a time. I live in faith that regardless of the outcome for any of these babies – that God’s plan is perfect regardless of our possible hope or heartache. We could in no way get through these days without His strength leading us every step of the way.
We love you all.
Janelle, Nate & Nora

 

Bed Rest Begins – 17 weeks

January 1st 2012:
After a week of contractions (what I expected to just be Braxton Hicks) I was concerned when I had strange lower back pain New Year’s Eve night. It lasted for about an hour and went away as fast as it came. I told myself to go back to sleep and see how I felt in the morning. I couldn’t shake the fears so we packed up Nora and dropped her off at church with friends and continued on to the ER at 10:30am.

I had an initial ultrasound in the ER with the doctor there and Nate was able to see the babies moving around and they got normal heart rates on all three. The ER doctor was swamped with some sort of major trauma shortly after meeting with us so we saw him very little after his initial exam. He ordered IV fluids while he attempted to get ahold of the OB on call (who was, of course, in a procedure and took a very long time to respond as well). The IV team had to come after a failed attempt with from the nurse and even the expert had to try several times to get the needle in place. It was a tiny gauge which meant I was going to be there for quite some time to get the fluids ordered.

Shortly after the IV was set we were sent to an actual ultrasound tech in radiology. They were able to take a closer look at the babies as well as measuring my cervix with ultrasound. The tech gave every sign that things were fine and we walked (wheeled) away with relief that it was going to be fine. My cervix was still thick and high according to the tech.

Nate was going to head out and get Nora but I had a very painful contraction as he was preparing to leave the room and decided to stay which I was grateful for. They were taking my breath away and it scared me.

By the time the OB doctor came down from the Birth Place it was after 4pm. The last thing to do was an actual cervical exam. We expected the best after seeing the ultrasound ourselves. We were shocked to hear that she thought I was dilated to 1cm. WHAT?! How could this be? How could this happen? It’s too soon! She left the room to call the perinatologist and the other OB on the floor and get some advice. At only 17+ weeks there was nothing she could do for me but she wasn’t sure what to do with the triplet information. We took a deep breath. She returned and said that she spoke to the perinatologist and they both agreed that I should be admitted overnight for observation. I was stunned. Part of me was horrified with worry/fear and part of me was relieved that if SOMEthing was happening that at least I’d be in the right place.

She went over all of the details that no parent wants to hear. The high risk of miscarriage this early with triplets. The fact that they could do absolutely nothing to help me but observe what my body was doing and be there for me if something bad were to happen. She didn’t want me to be home if I was truly going into active labor. Thoughts that are hard to push to the back of your brain after a doctor says them to your face.

Nate left to get Nora. Friends were watching Nora all day and she needed to be with her daddy. He had to get dinner for her and pack up some things for me anyway so he headed out. I sat in the room alone until they had a room ready for me at the Birth Place. That took nearly 2.5 hours. It’s a long time to sit alone in the room with the fear of going into labor. I called my mom and she comforted me as much as she could between dropped calls in the ER where there was very little reception.

By the time I got into my room, Nate had organized my things at home and was on the way in to visit with Nora. I had a bit of a hard time on my way up to the room. They brought me up in the bed and took the same elevator that they had used to take me to emergency surgery when I was there to deliver my daughter 2.5 years ago. Then took me to the room next to where I stayed in recovery last time. I was thankful that the room this time faced a totally different direction. I suffered PTSD after nearly dying of HELLP syndrome with my daughter and it was hard to be back in those rooms in another scary situation. Even the smell of the soap bothered me. I kept praying for God to take those memories and replace them with thoughts of the bubbly 2 year old that was on her way to see me. It got better the longer that I was there thankfully.

Nora was such a sweetheart when she came to see me. She loved climbing in the big bed to cuddle. I saved the ice cream from my dinner tray for her and she thought that was pretty exciting. She had a bit of a hard time leaving (as did I) but eventually the thought of jumping in the elevator with daddy gave enough incentive for her to skip out of the room.

The doctor visited me again that night and gave me the same overview of risks and the fact that she didn’t have a “magic ball” to answer any of the what-ifs of the situation. The night went ok although I had a really hard time sleeping with the IV fluid running all night. I saw my doctor in the morning and she wanted to see me the next day for another exam.

January 2nd 2012:
My mom came to help out for the week (which I’m eternally grateful for) and came to my visit the next day (and was tremendous help with Nora while we were there). The Dr found that I was still 1cm but was glad to hear that the contractions had slowed since I was off of my feet and taking in more fluids. So her final decision was to continue with bed rest until the babies are born. She again had no answers for how this could all evolve but was at least hopeful that it could still be ok. She wasn’t able to do anything more than suggest that I stay off of my feet and avoid pressure on my cervix at all costs.

I’m allowed to: go to the bathroom, take a shower and get water/food. Everything else is restricted. Even sitting is limited.

Mom helped me sort and organize as much as she could and was non-stop playmate for Nora. I couldn’t have asked for a better help in a time that was challenging – and continues to be. I’ve spent my time so far trying to organize child care for Nora and figure out some sort of system for staying sane on the couch. I know that will become more and more of a challenge as this continues. After a few short days on bed rest my body hurts and I can already feel muscle loss. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared about what this is going to do to my body. I already had fears about a triplet pregnancy but with this added to it it sort of feels as if my entire body will be sacrificed for these babies. I’m here. I’m obviously willing to do anything for them but it’s not an easy journey and we’re only at the start!

I’ll continue to write as I’m able. I have limited times when I can sit up enough to actually type. I do have some new belly pictures to post but I’ll need to coordinate some help to get those supplies to upload.

A huge thank you to our families and friends who have come forward to help us with so many of these challenges and as always we thank you for your continued encouragement and prayers that this is indeed in God’s hands. We cling to that hope every day.

I’m thrilled to say that as I write this I’ve officially made it to 18 weeks. Somehow each of those numbers seems like an accomplishment worth celebrating now. I never imagined we’d be here so soon. I’m happy to say though, after a week off of my feet and heavy fluids, the contractions of all but stopped. I haven’t felt more than 1 per day at most. It gives me hope that this is worth it. It has to be. Please God.