A friend I’ve known only through an online support group recently wrote these words to me and I felt I needed to share with other mothers who might also feel the guilt of the loss of their children. I found such comfort in what she says here:
Yes, the guilt. Every mother feels it because….we are mothers. Something that set me free was realizing how imperfect I am. I was never called to be my children’s savior. I never could be. Only One is their Savior. Only He is perfect. There is this verse I love, “or he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust” Psalm 103:14. God never wanted us to be “super moms” or “heros”…No, he did it all for us already on the cross. We have to lean on Him for the strength we could never have to live this life that is full of so many disappointments. I don’t know why God allowed me to be so excited for twins, prepare a room…get so close to finish line, hear my prayers of Thanksgiving at church and yet all the time knowing I would be holding one dead and one living baby…I realize, however, that God chose to use His perfect son to redeem us all and that this life is just a moment, but a vapor. When I realized that love has saved Julian, that Jesus’ penalty for sin on the cross SAVED him already and broke the sting of death (“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”1Cor 15:55), I realize that in this present moment we are temporarily separated…there is a reunion day coming when those ashes that are in my urn….and bodies that are buried, wherever they may be, hear the sound of the trumpet, they will rise and come together. I had to face my faith in a different way- either everything I had believed all my life was a lie, or it was truer than I had even realized…and for me, it was truer. I realized that Julian is no longer in my past, but he is in my future. The pain, oh my gosh the pain that is so deep and dark that you cannot touch it- where you long for drugs or death, that pain is very real and God knew I would have to endure it the way His son endured an unfair, unjust cross, but to be resurrected and lifted as the name above every name. Things don’t make sense to us now, but there is a day coming when it will come together and the faith you hold onto now, is working for you an eternal glory.
Read more from Adrienne on her blog: Vessels of Glory