2012: Capture Your Grief: Day 17

Day 17. Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates Share a photo of what you did for your baby/ies/child/rens special day. Did you hide away in bed? Did you have a cake? Did you have a party? What did you do?

My thoughts: Their due date, June 8th, was a hard day for me this year but not as I expected it to be at all. We had thought about burying them this day but it just didn’t evolve that way and looking back I’m ok with that. Instead I was in Rochester, MN at my brother’s house enjoying the summer sun with family. Nate wasn’t able to join me so it felt a little odd that day. We filled the day with fun in the water and my daughter, Nora, had SO much fun chasing bubbles. How could a day be sad watching that crazy, little girl? I’m happy I have a picture of pure joy from that day. I went to bed alone that night. A few months after we lost our babies I was feeling panicked about losing the few memories that I had of them. I still feel that way. I asked the family and friends who met them those two days to write a letter to me sharing their memories. To somehow help me put a patchwork of memories together to amount to something MORE than what I could recall. To help me replace the horrible memories I was shoving away with the ways that my children affected others. My mom gave me her letter that day and I read it before bed and cried myself to sleep. Not “ugly crying” as I like to call it. Just silent tears missing them trying to imagine what my children would have looked like at full term. I’m thankful for her memories and the sweet poem that she wrote for them (I love you mom):

Hide and Seek in Heaven
By Jane Neveau

After the three new little ones came

Jesus said, “Who wants to play a game?”

“I do”, “I do”, they were far from meek

“I’ll count” he said, “you hide and I’ll seek.”

Alice Mae ran for the choir loft

She loved to feel the robes so soft

Alexis was off to the director’s stand

She could hide behind and still wave her hand

Elliot loved the drums lively beat

It’s so easy to hide by the base drummer’s feet

Hiding and playing, they lost track of time

Until midst the music, came His call sublime,

“Beloved ——— Beloved ———-!”

“All-e, All-e….. all in Free!!!!”

I love you….. From Grama Jane

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