2012: Capture Your Grief: Day 14

Day 14. Community Our community is so amazing, but with that being said, none of us want to be a member. Share a photo of a community gathering or event that you have attended.

My thoughts: I don’t have a photo of community gathering yet. Maybe some day. The one thing we’ve done to participate in the community of baby/pregnancy loss is attending the grief group at our local hospital. It was excruciating to walk through the doors of that hospital for the first time but each month we attend gets a little easier. Connecting with other parents who understand has been healing. I don’t have a proper adjective for what those times are like because “good” doesn’t seem to fit but “bad” doesn’t either. I’m settling on “needed” and hoping that makes sense. Carly said it well above. Nobody wants to be a member of this club but if you are, reaching out to others does help. They “get it” like others can’t.
Today’s been a hard day for me. One year ago today we found out we were having three. I had a panic attack. I was in shock. I freaked out on the phone to friends and then tried to stuff it all to share with family the next day – then had another panic attack that day.
Today we showed my family the burial plot that we’d like to buy for the babies and made agreements for all of us to share that area together. While we were there we did a beautiful balloon release and although it was by far one of the most wonderful moments – it broke my heart all over again. I’ve had a hard time this evening thinking of friends and family who are pregnant right now and walking the year I was supposed to have, celebrating the things I was supposed to be celebrating and living in fear for them at the same time. I feel my joy for them has been stolen along with so many other things and I get angry about that as well. It’s hard to live in BOTH communities but I’m determined to find a way to do it – for the old me – and the new me – and for them as they’ve been such support to ME.

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY = 6 weeks pregnant: We had our first ultrasound and found out there were three. Their first picture.

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