I’ve had the opportunity recently to contribute to a mommy blog and some of the newest reviews have been such a blessing to me in ways I never imagined would come about from a simple offer to help a friend with product reviews.
My Publisher offered a canvas print to me for review and with their first tip for summer photo inspiration being sunsets it was a chance I couldn’t turn down to preserve my precious sunset names from CarlyMarie at Christian’s Beach.
It was harder than I anticipated to put together something that included all of their sunsets as well as their names and birth date. I’ve come to realize quickly that the things I love most are often the most difficult creative projects for me to finalize because I want them to be perfect – and nothing seems perfect enough for them. The same idea applies to my daughter Nora’s baby book although I’ve been very proud of myself for pushing to get that one done. Thankfully my sister-in-law made a good start for me with predesigned pages for each month of her first year. I’d say it’s not so bad progress to be nearly done when she’s only three and half!
I have hopes that one day I’ll be able to do a baby book for Alice, Elliot and Alexis. I purchased it early when I was pregnant. I had thoughts tumbling through my mind when I made the purchase, “If this doesn’t turn out it can be Nora’s book of special moments”, “If I lose this baby (I purchased prior to knowing I had three) I can give it to a friend.” Well somehow the things that I’ve purchased for them – are too special for me to part with. So I pray for God to give me the strength to make memories of them. I write here with hopes that I don’t forget. I still haven’t written the story of February 3rd, 2012 – and also pray He gives me the strength to do that too one day.
In the mean time I cling to the things that I can’t yet part with and look for moments when I can give some of the things that I did intend for them. Things that are more painful to hold and see unused than they are to keep forever in a box to remind me of what isn’t. The “little sister” shirt I sent with my friend Nicki the day after they were born for her beautiful daughter Mabel. It was perfect. And I couldn’t imagine a better home for it. The flannel blankets that I madly stitched for hours the DAY I found out I was having triplets when my mind raced with fears. The busy work kept me calm and I dreamed of the babies I’d hold in the bright fabric I had picked out the weeks prior to the news. The stroller that went to my cousin Han and her beautiful Zoe. The puff paint onesies that my friends Amanda and Natalie helped me paint while I was on bed rest that went to my friend Becky for her twin girls Anna and Hattie – as well as the bowls she received. My mom’s first “multiples” gift to me. We ordered them from bed rest with excited giggles imagining how I’d balance three spoons at feeding time.
With each thing I’ve passed along to another child/mom – a piece of my heart goes along with prayers and thanksgiving for that child – someone special in my heart to take a piece of them – but also with a sadness that I can’t explain for my arms that still hurt with emptiness.
So today I find thanksgiving in the new things I can hold tightly to in their memory and today it is their beautiful names in the sand displayed proudly on my bedroom wall. I take joy in it each day and look for the new things to remember the peace they have today instead of remembering the pain of what wasn’t.
Here’s a link to the post showing off my beautiful canvas print from My Publisher.