It’s Easter Sunday today. I’m finding the month of April to be a difficult one in general but especially the milestones that we had so firmly planted in our head from the start. I deleted our “weeks” off of my calendar long ago because they were just far too painful to look at (Nate had his in marker at work sadly). But nobody can delete these dates from my head.
When my daughter Nora was born 3 years ago in March, Easter was our first holiday with her. I dressed her in a beautiful little pink premie dress and on a whim we tucked her IN little Easter basket. She fit perfectly. Our tiny little bundle of joy. Looking at that basket today I find it hard to imagine her fitting inside.
When we looked ahead to this Easter we had such hope that we’d have 3 more tiny miracles. We prayed for April. If we just make it to April we have such hope for healthy babies. Of course so much happened after that. When we found out about Alice’s health problems those hopes started to change. When I started to dilate those dates started to shift. April seemed too far away to dream for.
My family has blessed Nate and I with a weekend away to relax and just BE together in the coming weeks. I’ve found it hard to plan it to be completely honest. We’re obviously so thankful for the opportunity. I’ve been looking for the right place/time for quite a few weeks actually but as soon as we hit the month of April my emotions shifted about the entire thing. It somehow feels as if we’re trying to rewrite April and I don’t like it. I can’t change it yet trying to plan happy things is hard for me. I don’t want to change what April was supposed to be. So many things have been this way and yet I thought we were getting past them. Not so. There are still so many ahead and I suppose in some ways that will never go away.
With that all said – we had a wonderful Easter celebrating new LIFE. Maybe that is yet another reason why Easter has been hard. It surrounds death and life. Two things that I’ve tired of focusing on daily. And yet it provides the eternal HOPE that I will see them again and I will hold them in my arms. I pray for the day that I have that for eternity. The days here seem so short and yet so long with that dream in my heart.
I’d like to share a series of videos that tell the story of a couple who lived the death of their daughter shortly after her birth. The father is part of the music group Selah. Maybe you know their story. Even so I encourage you to listen to this message. It’s the first time I’ve completely related to someone in this pain. The first time I’ve heard my thoughts expressed through someone else. Each story is unique but I feel a tie to this family like no other. I know I heard of their story a long time ago and I still can’t place how. The brief story of the stuffed bunny with the blemish on his heart is firm in my memory yet I don’t know why (I think I just remembered how I know this story. While reading the mother’s blog it mentions Women of Faith. I’m pretty sure I saw Selah at Women of Faith. They must have shared her story then). I’m not sure how God weaves our lives together but it strikes me hard when it happens over and over again. He IS working joy and hope through our story as well and we’re seeing the fruit of that – and trying to wrestle with the reality that our loss provided hope for others that we love.
***(I was led to this story through a friend. Actually the woman who did our 20 week ultrasound and has triplets herself. I am confident that God was working through her to send these words to me when I needed them most. She posted this song on my facebook page and the song is written by this couple about their loss. I knew the author of the song had to have lived this pain and wanted to know more and that is when I found these videos. Thank you Jessica. You’ve been a blessing to us in so many ways)
*** Note: Their daughter Audrey would have been 4 years old yesterday – April 7th.
Song: I Will Carry You