“What I Need”

Found on another grieving mom blog Four Plus an Angel

What I Need by Jessica

I need to say her name without bringing everyone to tears.

I need her life to be included in the count of children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews.

I need kindness on birthdays and understanding on holidays.

I need to stay in bed and a reason to get out of it.

I need to talk endlessly and to let the phone ring.

I need an extra hug and respect for my space.

I need someone to ask how I’m doing and want to know the real answer.

I need careful announcements of pregnancies, baby showers and births, mine did not turn out as I hoped.

I need a “handle with care” sticker for my heart, my emotions have been fragile since the day I said goodbye.

I need patience and reminders for my mind, part of it will always be somewhere else.

I need forgiveness for not being the friend, sister, daughter and wife I used to be.

But more than anything I need you…

your support, your friendship, your understanding…

a lifetime is an impossibly long time to wait to hold my child again.

For Nathan

A mom who’s also lived this loss had this on her blog and I had to share:

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since “men don’t cry”
and “men are strong.”
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she’s all right
And what she is going through.
But seldom do they take his hand,
“My friend, but how are you?”
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But “stays strong” for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave –
He lost his baby, too.
(Author Unknown)

—-

We thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday,
and the day before that, too.
We think of you in silence,
We often say your name,
But all we have is memories
and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is our keepsake,
with which we’ll never part.
God has you in his keeping,
We have you in our hearts.

We shed tears for what might have been,
a million times we’ve cried.
If love alone could have saved you,
you never would have died.
In life we loved you dearly,
in death we love you still,
In our hearts you hold a place
no one could ever fill.
It broke our hearts to lose you,
but you didn’t go alone,
For part of us went with you.
– Author Unknown

Easter -And- Smith Story (Selah)

It’s Easter Sunday today. I’m finding the month of April to be a difficult one in general but especially the milestones that we had so firmly planted in our head from the start. I deleted our “weeks” off of my calendar long ago because they were just far too painful to look at (Nate had his in marker at work sadly). But nobody can delete these dates from my head.

When my daughter Nora was born 3 years ago in March, Easter was our first holiday with her. I dressed her in a beautiful little pink premie dress and on a whim we tucked her IN little Easter basket. She fit perfectly. Our tiny little bundle of joy. Looking at that basket today I find it hard to imagine her fitting inside.

When we looked ahead to this Easter we had such hope that we’d have 3 more tiny miracles. We prayed for April. If we just make it to April we have such hope for healthy babies. Of course so much happened after that. When we found out about Alice’s health problems those hopes started to change. When I started to dilate those dates started to shift. April seemed too far away to dream for.

My family has blessed Nate and I with a weekend away to relax and just BE together in the coming weeks. I’ve found it hard to plan it to be completely honest. We’re obviously so thankful for the opportunity. I’ve been looking for the right place/time for quite a few weeks actually but as soon as we hit the month of April my emotions shifted about the entire thing. It somehow feels as if we’re trying to rewrite April and I don’t like it. I can’t change it yet trying to plan happy things is hard for me. I don’t want to change what April was supposed to be. So many things have been this way and yet I thought we were getting past them. Not so. There are still so many ahead and I suppose in some ways that will never go away.

With that all said – we had a wonderful Easter celebrating new LIFE. Maybe that is yet another reason why Easter has been hard. It surrounds death and life. Two things that I’ve tired of focusing on daily. And yet it provides the eternal HOPE that I will see them again and I will hold them in my arms. I pray for the day that I have that for eternity. The days here seem so short and yet so long with that dream in my heart.

I’d like to share a series of videos that tell the story of a couple who lived the death of their daughter shortly after her birth. The father is part of the music group Selah. Maybe you know their story. Even so I encourage you to listen to this message. It’s the first time I’ve completely related to someone in this pain. The first time I’ve heard my thoughts expressed through someone else. Each story is unique but I feel a tie to this family like no other. I know I heard of their story a long time ago and I still can’t place how. The brief story of the stuffed bunny with the blemish on his heart is firm in my memory yet I don’t know why (I think I just remembered how I know this story. While reading the mother’s blog it mentions Women of Faith. I’m pretty sure I saw Selah at Women of Faith. They must have shared her story then). I’m not sure how God weaves our lives together but it strikes me hard when it happens over and over again. He IS working joy and hope through our story as well and we’re seeing the fruit of that – and trying to wrestle with the reality that our loss provided hope for others that we love.

***(I was led to this story through a friend. Actually the woman who did our 20 week ultrasound and has triplets herself. I am confident that God was working through her to send these words to me when I needed them most. She posted this song on my facebook page and the song is written by this couple about their loss. I knew the author of the song had to have lived this pain and wanted to know more and that is when I found these videos. Thank you Jessica. You’ve been a blessing to us in so many ways)

*** Note: Their daughter Audrey would have been 4 years old yesterday – April 7th.

Song: I Will Carry You

Smith Story:

Moments In Our Arms

We wanted to have a poem in the memorial card but nothing seemed right. Nothing expressed our feelings for an experience that so few related to. Several days before the service I wrote this and with a little editing help from my mom it seemed like the right words to share. Somehow God helped me put them together to help explain a few of our emotions during this heartbreaking time. Maybe it will help another in a time of pain.

For many years we prayed for you
hoped our dreams would come true
that God would bless my womb with life
fill our home with pink or blue

With shock and joy we saw your hearts
blinking 1, 2, 3
through impossible odds He placed you there
new life inside of me

We shared our news with family and friends
their love and prayers came fast
for health and strength for all of us
that this joy would always last

I loved to feel you wake and move
to tell me you were there
I did everything I could for you
to provide a mother’s care

The journey would not be easy though
there were trials beginning to end
walking each step with faith and hope
we couldn’t see ’round the bend

So many dreams spun through our heads
somehow they won’t come true
to kiss and hold you through the night
would your eyes be brown or blue?

God came for you late one night
away to Heaven you flew
we cherished each moment in our arms
even though they were too few

So we wipe our tears and dry our eyes
remember your faces small and sweet
longing for the day we see you again
in Heaven we’ll surely meet

With all my love
~ Mommy








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PUBLISHED:

http://returntozerothemovie.com/blog/?p=685

Memorial Service

It’s been exactly two months since our babies went from our arms into His (we’ve reached April – our “goal” month). I’ve struggled daily with what to write here. So to start I want to share moments from the memorial service to at least start the process of their story. I hope to share more about their life/death as I’m able but for the moment we’re not sure what we want to share and what we want to keep for ourselves. This is a start for those of you who were not able to be at the service – or for parents having to face the same painful choices of what to share at a memorial service for a life that was lost far too soon. I hope you find hope and comfort in this if that is you. For family and friends – I hope you find a little piece of understanding in who our children were, and continue to be, in our hearts. (The cover of the memorial card showed pictures of their feet which were true to life size)

In Loving Memory Of
Alice Mae Wourms
Elliot Nathan Wourms
Alexis Marie Wourms

Born to us – Received in Heaven
February 3rd, 2012

Memorial Service
Saturday, February 11th at 1:00 p.m.
Rock Hill Community Church

Alice Mae Wourms, Elliot Nathan Wourms and Alexis Marie Wourms were born on February 3rd to parents Nathan and Janelle Wourms of Duluth, Minn. All three spent their short time on earth in the arms of loved ones and left to be with Jesus hours after birth.

They are survived by one sibling, Nora Jane Wourms. Their grandparents are Joe and Kathy Wourms of Grand Rapids, Minn, and Duane and Jane Neveau of Grand Rapids, Minn. They touched the hearts of many in their time with us.

Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus) – Chris Rice

 

Psalm 23
1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

 

Psalm 139: 1-18
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

 

Isaiah 40 : 1-11
1 Comfort, comfort my people,
says your God.
2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the LORD’s hand
double for all her sins.

3 A voice of one calling:
“In the wilderness prepare
the way for the LORD;
make straight in the desert
a highway for our God.
4 Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.
5 And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
and all people will see it together.
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”

6 A voice says, “Cry out.”
And I said, “What shall I cry?”

“All people are like grass,
and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.
7 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
because the breath of the LORD blows on them.
Surely the people are grass.
8 The grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of our God endures forever.”

9 You who bring good news to Zion,
go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good news to Jerusalem,
lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
say to the towns of Judah,
“Here is your God!”
10 See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power,
and he rules with a mighty arm.
See, his reward is with him,
and his recompense accompanies him.
11 He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.

Jesus Loves Me

I Lift My Eyes Up